Wandering Monsters

The Cat Piss Man had decided to start a new D&D campaign but this time he insisted that we game at his house. His house was decorated in the styles of Freshman Dorm Room and New World Landfill Chic. It was a geological history of the local fast food industry. The bottom layer consisted mostly of cartons from the Chinese restaurant that went out of business about three years ago after The Great Tofu Substitute Scandal while the newly opened BBQ place down the road had earned a place at the top of the food pyramid. As a DM, he was fast and loose with the rules; part Monty Haul and part Killer. So you always ended up with lots of swag until your 20th Level Half Dragon Drow Paladin/Assassin/Ninja/Wizard got polymorphed into a hermaphroditic paraplegic Halfling just before a soul devouring demon disintegrated you. The game was progressing at a good pace. We survived the obligatory tavern scene. We had given up arguing with the Power Gamer and just let his Fanatic Good Paladin lead the party by divine right. The Dice Bitch was on Master Thief Number 6 and had grown accustomed to his position as trap detonator rather than trap disarmer. th3 d00d’s half elf nymphomancer babe with a tentacle phobia attempted to seduce anything. Rules Lawyer played a cleric and just hoped to just survive. I was playing my usual crafty wizard and just tried to stay out of the way. The session had reached that blurry eyed period somewhere between midnight and dawn when a Greater Mucus Demon attacked the party.
Dice Bitch: I back stab the demon.
th3 d00d: You gonna try a ballista this time.
Dice Bitch: Screw you. Damn I missed!
Cat Piss Man: The demon swivels its head around and attacks you. It does 35 points of damage. Save versus poison.
Dice Bitch: I fail. What happens?
Cat Piss Man: Nothing…yet
Power Gamer: He’s possessed! I know it. I attack him.
Me: You idiot! What about the demon?
Power Gamer: I got this one. You guys take the other one.
Dice Bitch: But I’m not a demon!
th3 d00d: Does it have tentacles?
Cat Piss Man: Yes
th3 d00d: Eek! I attack the giant bug instead.
Cat Piss Man: There is no giant bug.
the3 d00d: Yeah, there is. It’s attacking Rules Lawyer.
Rules Lawyer: I’m being attacked! I retreat!
Cat Piss Man: There is no giant bug!
Th3 d00d: I try to seduce the bug.
Power Gamer: I fly into a berserker rage and attack the demon and the bug!
Dice Bitch: I’m not a demon!
Me: I thought you were a paladin.
Cat Piss Man: There is no giant BUG!
Power Gamer: I’m a paladin/berserker.
Cat Piss Man: You can’t do that.
Power Gamer: You’re trying to screw me. You approved of the character. Here’s your initials on the sheet.
Rules Lawyer: Can I get away from the giant bug?
Cat Piss Man: THERE IS NO GIANT BUG!
Me: It’s right there.
Rules Lawyer: Yes, there is. Right next to my mini. Wait, it was there. Where’d it go?
Dice Bitch: It’s on the pizza.
Me: My God. That is the biggest cockroach I’ve ever seen.
Rules Lawyer: I don’t feel well. I think we should call it a night.
We all agreed… to never game Cat Piss Man’s place again.

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